


Do the Do with You-Know-Who

by CoffeeAndTae



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crack, I don't know what the fuck this is, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 10:31:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6514534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CoffeeAndTae/pseuds/CoffeeAndTae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haise comes home to his Harry-Potter obsessed partner, will this lead to sexy shenanigans?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do the Do with You-Know-Who

**Author's Note:**

> this was a request on my nsfw tokyo ghoul blog and i couldn't NOT post it

“Hooooneeeeeey, I’m hooooooooooooooome! Sorry, I’m late, I had to pick up some paperwork from the office, and – babe?”

Haise frowns, looking around the seemingly empty apartment as he drops his briefcase next to the sofa. You usually ended up getting back from classes well over an hour before him, and he is a little perplexed when he isn’t greeted with his usual welcome home peck on the lips. He pads through the living room, scanning the area in case you try something funny.

“Look, if you’re trying to scare the bejeezus out of me again, just remember that I know where you sleep, and – what?”

When he crosses the threshold to your bedroom and finally sees you, it is the last thing he is expecting on a Wednesday at four in the afternoon. There you are, stretched out across the bed wearing nothing but a pitch black robe. You throw him a smirk and slowly sit up to throw your legs over the bed and stride over to him. 

“What are you –“

You bring a finger to his lips, effectively silencing and confusing him at the same time.

“You’re about to do the do…” You purr seductively, then pull your hand away from his mouth to cover your nose. “With You-Know-Who.”

There is a long silence in which Haise does nothing but stare as you waggle your eyebrows at him.

“Y/N,” he says calmly. “What the fuck?”

“Voldemort, Haise.” You explain patiently, wrapping your arms around his midsection.

“That’s not – ah –“

He’s cut off as you slide your tongue down his neck – a weak spot of his that he can never resist.

“You’re not seriously –“

“Haise, how’s about slithering in to my … chamber of secrets?”

His eyes light up and you’ve got him. Puns. Bad jokes. He can’t resist you, now. Rather than actually get down to business, Haise cottons on with the joke and lightly strokes your ear with his fingertips before whispering dramatically,

“I’ve been whomping my willow just thinking about you.”

“I’ve heard of platform 9 and ¾, but I can think of something with those same measurements,” you drawl, slipping your hand down to cup him.

“After I get done with you, we’ll have to give Moaning Myrtle a new name.” He counters.

You open your mouth to quip a witty comeback, but words fail you. You didn’t expect him to be prepared. You stop rubbing him through his pants and rack your brain for the lost retort, but cannot find it. Haise, who could care less about the sex at this point, grins triumphantly.

“That’s what you get when you try me at jokes, stay in your lane.”

“B-But – I was trying to be sex –“

Haise lets you go and makes his way to the kitchen, calling,

“I DON’T FRATERNIZE WITH LOOOOSERS. MEET ME AT THE QUIDDITCH PITCH AND YOU CAN TRY AGAIN.”


End file.
